In an era of so-called "helicopter parents," we've learned once again the downside of too much of a good thing. Swooping in and rescuing your child before he or she can make a mistake – in the hopes of preserving self-esteem – can bypass many learning opportunities.
Many adults have probably told themselves at some point that we "learn from our mistakes." Overcoming and learning from failure are vital life skills that your child needs your help to learn and develop during childhood.
Building your child's self-esteem is absolutely an important part of good parenting. Living in an environment of safety and love is central to building your child's healthy self-esteem. If your child knows your love is unconditional, he or she can attempt new things without fear of "losing" your love.
But it can be a tough balancing act. You want to encourage your child – help him or her try new things, reach for more and build on accomplishments – yet you may worry about what will happen when he or she inevitably fails at something and may feel the urge to prevent that failure. You want to acknowledge when your child is good at something, but you don't want him or her thinking they are so good that they don't need to try anymore.
What's important is instilling the message that, yes, it is great to be good at something, but ultimately it's about the effort put forth. Failure and setbacks are opportunities to learn and better ourselves.
In addition to praising the effort, it's important that you help your child learn to manage his or her self-criticism and temper when they do have problems. It is our role as parents to help teach children "child appropriate" coping skills. Let your child know that mistakes are a fairly routine part of life.
Often, mistakes happen through experimentation or when conditions are out of our control. Some mistakes happen when we don't have enough knowledge. And that is OK. That's how we learn for next time.
Some children react more to failure – they are much harder on themselves than others. If your child falls into this category, you'll need to spend extra energy helping your child manage his or her behavior in the face of adversity.
In addition to getting upset with him or herself, your child may be afraid of your reaction. It's important that you not be overly critical. Give your child space and the opportunity to think about what went wrong and why it happened. See if he or she can problem-solve the issue with some support from you.
React calmly and try to focus on what your child could do differently next time. Try to find an upside to the situation, and also try to find the humor in it; however, teasing or ridiculing is never acceptable. Your unconditional love will help your child be willing to try again.
You also need to be a great model through accepting your own failures. If you swear and sling the pan in the sink if you burn the dinner, you are not providing a good example of handling adversity!
It's great to involve your child in activities and projects that play to his or her interests and strengths. These successful experiences will help build and improve self-esteem. It's also important that your child doesn't go to great lengths to avoid failure. A child might avoid activities just because they are unfamiliar or uncomfortable and not things the child is sure he or she can do well.
If your child needs an example of someone who had success after years of failure, he probably needs to look no further than the bedroom bookshelf. Harry Potter series author J. K. Rowling gave Harvard's commencement address this year and said:
"Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won."
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